On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
