I met the friendliest cop last night
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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