I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
