He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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