Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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