Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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