I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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