dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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