This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
