I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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