3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
