I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
