I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
