Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
