he told me I talked like a deaf person
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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