watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
