I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it because I queefed?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
