Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
