My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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