It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
