Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
