i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
