You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you will always have a special place in my vag
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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