How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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