she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
