he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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