I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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