This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
