i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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