I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
