Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
