Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
