i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
