she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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