i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
