I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize