Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
