my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
