A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
there's paper in my vomit.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
