I'm eating all of the evidence.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
