Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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