It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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