I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
