I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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