so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
