Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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