Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
