Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
