haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Farmville is her only friend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
