haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
