Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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