Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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