We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
