We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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