So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
