just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
