I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
