I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
