so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
