Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
