i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
